And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
