Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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