She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
At least life still wants to fuck me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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