He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
