remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
