I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
