last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
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