U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
