I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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