I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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