i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
