Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
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Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing