I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...