so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
