She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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