sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He did a backflip because drugs
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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