he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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