This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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