I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
