My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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