I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
