Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
