I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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