i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
