So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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