Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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