Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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