I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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