if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
