Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
