I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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