if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
