I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
