You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
