i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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