based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
