Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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