After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
