just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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