literally had 100 drinks last night.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just pee around me
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
