I could make wine with my vomit
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
