Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
