I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You are the jesus of drinking
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
