Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
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Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
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I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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