omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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