I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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