how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
