What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
