Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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