is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
