How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
