Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
