I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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