I wish I could teleport
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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