When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
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We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize