So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
