He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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