I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
