How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
