I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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