just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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