I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
